Oslo

I moved here 8 years ago with a guy I'd only been dating for a few months. I didn't know much about Norway but I was fresh out of University, and desperate for a new start. We packed a suitcase, said goodbye to our family and took a flight over the north sea.

The first few weeks were fun, but I must admit that I was taken aback by how expensive everything was. I wondered if I would have enough money to last me until I found a job. I went out into the city and tried to make friends and see if I could find some bar work, it was harder than I thought it would be. The people in Oslo felt rather unwelcoming. Nobody seemed to talk to each other, avoided eye contact with strangers, people stood as far away from each other as possible when waiting for the bus. I missed the Manchester warmth, I missed people calling me 'love' and 'our kid', I missed my mum, my friends, and the local chippy.

After a while things started to fall into place and I started to feel at home. I made friends and explored the city with them. I learned how to speak Norwegian and how to make a good Norwegian christmas dinner. I did all the tourist stuff like tobogganing on Korketrekkeren, and posing with the statues in Vigeland Park. 

Since I moved to Oslo I have lived in 9 different places, taken care of 5 cats, had one operation, been to 3 funerals, 3 weddings, and fallen deeply in love. There are so many special places here, that I have come back to over and over again. Places that might not make it onto a usual tourist blog, but personally make me feel so much love for this city.

'This room is an acoustic sculpture'

Maybe my favourite place in Oslo is Nasjonalteatret Station. If you enter the station through the west entrance (at the back of the castle, opposite the old American embassy) you will find yourself in a round room immediately noticing the echo from your footsteps changing sound as you walk further into the room. I remember the day I first came across this place, how beautiful I found the fluttering echos of the room to be. I remember waiting until there was nobody around and and then bursting into song so I could hear how my voice was distorted differently depending on where I stood in the room. It sounded amazing.

The 'echo chamber' was designed by the architect Arne Eggen. He knew there would be a flutter echo when he built it, but he never expected it to be so strong. Initially the railway company didn’t like the effect and threatened to sue the architect. However, it quickly became loved by musicians and tourists and they dropped the case. Now this beautiful acoustic sculpture has won prizes and been written about all over the world.

The sensory garden

There are so many cool things in Oslo's Botanical Gardens. It's a very pretty place, a popular spot with tourists and locals alike. The gardens are split up into different sections, they have a rock garden, greenhouses, a herb garden, and an arboretum. My favourite part is the sensory garden, or 'great granny's garden' as it is often called which is right in the middle of the park. The plants here are collected from old gardens. Many of them are no longer commercially available, but are preserved here in a living archive. The project was started in 2008 by the Norwegian Genetic Resource Centre, who have been responsible for the registration and collecting of ornamentals in Southeast-Norway and have a special responsibility for the conservation of peonies.

A sensory garden stimulates many senses, evokes pleasant emotions, brings out long-forgotten memories, and stimulates communication. Sensory gardens are therefore considered an important tool in the therapy of dementia. I think it's wonderful that everyone can go here and see these rare old breeds of beautiful flowers that also help people hold onto valuable memories.

Stolpersteine

Walking down Calmeyers Gate in Oslo the simple brass plaques embedded in the pavement are easy to miss. I had walked by them many times without looking to see what they were, until one day I read one of them:

“Here lived Bernhard Leimann

Born 1897

Deported 1942

Auschwitz

Murdered January 1943.”

Leimann was married and had a five-year-old daughter, Valli. On October 26th, he was part of a consignment of men over the age of 15 who were arrested by the Norwegian Nazi Party. One month later, Leimann was deported to Auschwitz.

Of the 532 Jews who boarded the German cargo ship SS Donau in Oslo on November 26th 1942, only nine survived the war. There were 302 men, 188 women and 42 children on board. All told, 772 Jews were deported from Norway in four voyages during the second World War – only 34 came back.

The German artist Gunter Demnig began the Stolpersteine (stumbling stones) project in the early 1990s in Berlin and the cultural initiative has now spread to several countries. In their sheer simplicity, the stones trigger a response by connecting the “here lived” with the living while at the same time emphasising the evils of totalitarianism. Since I saw that first one on Calmeyers Gate I have seen them all over Oslo. The symbolism of the stones serve as a stark social reminder of the lives lost in the Holocaust. I'm glad they are there.

Oslo's local stores

It is so nice to support local businesses, especially ones that have been around for ages. My favourites are Bislett Blomster who have been in business for 40 years selling the most beautiful bouquets and plants, Skafferiet in Frogner, another family business where you can get the best avocados in Oslo. I also love Gutta på Haugen, which is a great place for specialist groceries like fancy hot sauce and luxury chocolate.

When it comes to coffee, we like to head to Tim Wendleboe, Java, and Fuglen. You can't beat coffee in Oslo, it really is the best.

Life, Death, & Sex

One of the most extraordinary and amazing places in Oslo is Tomba Emmanuelle or as it is more commonly known: Emanuel Vigelands Museum. It doesn't really look like anything particularly special from the outside, but once you step into this dark barrel-vaulted room, your eyes will slowly adjust and reveal to you that the entire place is covered in fresco paintings. Naked, dramatic, erotic figures tell the story of human life from conception till death. Lovemaking and procreation in the honour of God takes place in front of a dark and infinite universe, dimly lit by the life-giving, divine sun but also by the blazing fires of hell. It is really quite amazing to experience this place, and the acoustics are as dramatic as the visuals. One of my best memories is attending a concert here by the Norwegian band Supersilent. They play improvised avant-garde experimental music and it was so perfect to listen to it in that setting.

Food Against Fascism

For the past few weeks I've been planning, baking, and buying ingredients. I'm getting ready to do a pop up cookie cafe at Oslo Vegetarfestival and let me tell you, I am SO happy to be back in the kitchen doing what I love.

I started my baking project: Sally's Cookies last year as a fun way to do something which helps people. The point of the project is to donate the profits away to organisations which make the world a better place. Every time I sell a cookie, someone gets to eat something delicious, and they also get a good feeling from knowing that they have donated to an important cause. I see it as a non confrontational form of activism. it's a good way to inspire people and spread awareness.

As I'm getting ready to do it all again, I thought it might be cool to look back at my first event in July last year in which I raised money for an LGBTQ rights organisation; Skeiv Ungdom.

Bakes Against Hate

I was sitting in a coffee shop in Oslo one morning with my boyfriend, Nick. I had just read an article in Aftenposten about a group of neo nazis that were organising a march in Fredrikstad against what they call 'the homolobby'. The Norwegian police had given them permission to march in the city because of rules around 'free speech'. I thought about the negative impact this march will have and I was so upset. 

Whilst I'm not gay myself, I'm very close to the LGBTQ community. When I was a teenager one of my friends had a very difficult experience coming out. They were afraid to be themselves, they were afraid of how they would be treated by their own family, friends and colleagues. They struggled with fear and shame for years and the trauma and bullying they experienced sadly seems to have had a lasting effect on their life. I often think of this old friend and of all the young people today who are afraid to be open about their sexuality. I think of everyone who has ever had the word 'faggot' or 'dyke' sneered at them. I think of all of the people who are scared to hold hands or kiss their partners in the street, and everyone who stays quiet about their marriage or relationship at work.

There is simply no excuse for homophobia or transphobia. It's completely unfair that LGBT people are made to experience such hate and discrimination and it's up to all of us to show them that we stand with them and that they are supported in their choice to love who they love, and be who they are.

I put my coffee down and told Nick 'I'm gonna do the opposite of what these Nazis are doing.' That was when the idea for Sally's Cookies was born. I decided that I was going to do a pop up cookie cafe and donate my profits to Skeiv Ungdom, one of the biggest LGBTQ rights organisations in Norway.

Kompass & Co

I then had a to do list as long as my arm! I made branding ideas, and sketched out my concept. I started thinking of recipes and buying equipment. I registered my website and set up Sally's Cookies as a not for profit organisation. I started to think about who I wanted to work with and then I met Sherry from Kompass & Co, a social organisation which organises environmentally focused projects to help get young people into work. They do everything from growing green rooms and roof gardens to street food and catering. We share their ethos that the most important thing we can do is help each other. I reached out to Sherry and we were both really excited about the project. I got to work with some amazing young people at Kompass & Co, I showed them my cookie recipe and we got to work baking together.

Countdown to the event

We did a little launch party and invited a bunch of friends to taste the cookies and hear about the project. We had a couple of sessions in a big kitchen in Skøyen, and we baked loads of cookies for the Pride parade. We made some batches of dough that went wrong and some that went oh so right! I was baking, and buying paper plates, and advertising the event on social media, and painting signs. It was a lot of work! Luckily I had a team of fantastic people who were by my side. Sherry was a rock, so calm and experienced, she knew exactly how to do this sort of thing and had loads of advice. Nick was there to help me with everything: baking, shopping, testing cookies (I think that was his fave way to help) and together with my friend Marte they helped me set up Sally's Cookies as a business. I had also organised the fantastic Tom Kuyken from Java to come by and make coffee, my friend Tine Katrine said she would do photography, and my friend Øystein had volunteered to DJ! On top of all that my colleagues at RiksTV and Knowit were all super supportive, sharing the event everywhere and inviting all of their friends. I could not have done the event without all of their help.

22 July

Finally the day was here. Sherry pulled up at my house in her cool food truck and we loaded up the van with boxes of cookies, decorations and supplies. We got to Youngstorget and started setting up. The youth from Kompass & Co showed up, and along with Nick, Sherry and my friend Christian, it didn't take long for us to decorate the cutest little food truck you have ever seen. People had started to form a long queue going right round Youngstorget, as Tom came with his coffee and Øystein got the party started with some music. I was pumping full of adrenaline. It was time to get this cookie cafe going!

The truck was open from 11am until 6pm. There were people buying cookies all day and we completely sold out, selling our last cookie at 5.50pm: perfect timing. Throughout the day I met some really awesome people. Some people came because they knew the Vegan Norway app and they wanted to say hello, chat about app stuff and eat some vegan cookies. Other people came because they were walking by and saw the truck and thought the project sounded really cool. Some people came to dance to the funky tunes, and some people came by to show support for the LGBTQ community. I was so happy to meet them and chat to them about their experiences and hear their thoughts on the planned neo nazi march.

Despite the fact that we were there to stick it to the nazis, there was no 'angry activist' kind of vibe at our food truck at all. The sun was shining, we were eating cookies, listening to music, and just having fun. Tine Katrine came by and took some lovely photos of the day, you can see all of them over on the Sally's Cookies facebook page.

At 6pm, we started packing up for the day. We washed every little crumb out of the van, cleared away our glittery signs, gave each other a hug, and said goodbye. I went home and collapsed on the sofa, absolutely exhausted. Later that week I sat down with the receipts, anxious to know if we had actually made any profit. I'm happy to tell you that after we paid all of our set up costs, and paid the Kompass & Co youth for their hard work, we had a nice stash of the profits left over to donate to Skeiv Ungdom! They were so happy that we raised money and awareness for LGBTQ rights, and even more inspired by the way we had gone about it.

Sally's Cookies at Oslo Vegetarfestival

Now, almost a year later, I'm back in the kitchen again. This time I am raising money and awareness for an animal sanctuary in Norway: Dale Store Gård. I'm looking forward to  the next few weeks of baking, and preparing. So if you are an animal lover or just curious about these cookies that I have been going on about, you should come along to Oslo Vegetarfestival on the 26th - 27th May where you can visit Sally's Cookies yourself!

 

Triggered!

Online & afraid

Have you ever seen a post on the internet about something awful which starts with the caveat: Trigger Warning? A few years ago I would post ‘trigger warnings’ on all my posts on social media. For example, if I was posting a news story which was about a woman being beaten up by her husband I would write at the top of the post: ‘Trigger Warning: domestic violence’. I was trying to make it easier for people who have PTSD to avoid content which might trigger strong negative reactions. I thought I was being kind, but I was actually quite confrontational and aggressive about it. I critisiced people who shared stuff that I thought needed a trigger warning on it. I created and took part in online ‘safe spaces’ which had rules and guidelines for how to communicate there, and came down harshly on those who didn't follow the rules.

I was putting my energy into trying to control what other people were doing instead of actually figuring out what I could do to pinpoint and challenge my own triggers. It was classic avoidance behaviour, and the more that I did it, the more frustrated I (and the people who had to deal with me) felt. And I wasn’t alone, there were lots of people like me out there. Trigger warnings were all over the internet to the point that it had become a big joke. Triggered had just started to mean ‘anything you mildly dislike’. People would be like ‘They ran out of coffee at work today. Triggered. Lol.’ There was a TRIGGERED meme which people would use to make fun of someone being annoyed or upset about something. It was the modern day equivalent of calling someone a drama queen and laughing at them for overreacting.

Eventually it got to the point where I felt like nowhere online was ‘safe’. I felt disconnected from the world, alone, and afraid. I had bouts of being on and off social media. I would delete the apps and reinstall them, start new social media profiles and delete the old ones. My policing of trigger warnings had become a trigger in itself. 

Two years ago I wrote publicly for the first time about being raped, and how we should talk about rape online so that we are kind to rape victims and someone commented ‘TRIGGERED’. I was absolutely devastated. It felt so mean. I felt like a joke. That was when I decided to ask my doctor to refer me to a psychologist.

After a while I understood that avoiding things that upset me, makes them more upsetting. I understood that I can not control what happens in the world but that I am somewhat in control of how I interact with it. I found out you don't need to either endure everything, or shut yourself off completely, that there are ways to make your experience online much less upsetting (it involves not being online so much and just deleting the assholes).

Being nice

My therapist tells me that most triggers are so unique and contextual that it’s impossible to predict what someone will be triggered by. Most people are not actually triggered by posts on social media but in that context we have been using the word ‘triggered’ to describe more general feelings of being shocked, offended or upset. Triggers are commonly something more sensual. In fact the most common types of triggers are smells and noises.

In therapy I have figured out that my biggest triggers are actually noises people make with their mouth and nose. Slurping, burping, sneezing, wheezing, sniffing, chewing and swallowing noises are what actually triggers me. When I hear these noises I suddenly feel weak, small and terrified. I feel as if someone is touching me, and as though I cannot escape. I feel unable to concentrate on anything other than that noise and sometimes I feel so upset that I start to cry. Sound strange? I talked with someone else diagnosed with PTSD who told me that her biggest trigger was the screeching of a train pulling up to a station, and someone else I know said that the smell of garlic has been causing her extreme stress for many years.

So if triggers are that unique, how can we properly give people a trigger warning? I don’t think that we should. If we treat people with PTSD like they need to be protected from everything that’s bad in the world that will only enhance their feelings of fear and isolation. We can’t protect people with PTSD from their triggers, all we can do is try to handle sensitive issues appropriately, and that’s not just being mindful of people with PTSD, it’s about being considerate to everyone.

Four to the floor

There is nothing more frustrating than spending weeks preparing for a meeting with a big client at work and then 30 mins before the meeting seeing a meme about rape, being reduced to tears and having to run from my desk to the bathroom to look myself in there to try and regulate my breathing and calm down, get my mind away from my anxiety and onto my presentation. How about being sat behind someone on the bus and hearing them chomping a burger, the eating noises reminding you of the sex noises you heard when you were raped, rummaging through your backpack desperately for your headphones to find you left them at home. Imagine not having the energy to go a concert that you were really looking forward to because you had been crying for an hour over a documentary. Imagine a friend sneaking up on you for a practical joke and scaring you so much that you burst into tears and almost piss yourself. I wish I didn't have to worry about stuff like this. I wish I could not let things get to me.

I’ve been living with post traumatic stress disorder for a long time. It really affects my life, but most people can’t really tell that I have it because I seem pretty ok on the surface. I go out with my pals, I’m confident, I put on clean clothes every day, shove some makeup on my face, and I hold down a full time job and a relationship but as much as I try to hide it I often find myself suddenly in extreme distress and full of anxiety over an article, a tv show, a piece of music, or a conversation. Flashbacks come to me in the night, and through sounds, smells, places and images. I find it debilitating and I just want to find a way to get through my life without my PTSD slowing me down.

I’ve tried loads of stuff to get over PTSD. The main problem for me is learning how to relax. Relaxing might be a simple concept for some people, just come home, put your comfy pants on, stick a pizza in the oven and get Netflix on tv right? Sometimes that works but it’s not immersive enough to really relax me. My brain is still going on and on with the terrible anxious thoughts and I’m never 100% focused on what I'm supposed to be doing. I tried yoga, but I went to a class once and I had a bad time. I walked into the yoga studio and hated the yoga music, the candles and the general smugness of everyone there. I hated being told to ‘just clear my mind’ as if it was as simple as flicking off a switch. I stood there watching everyone smiling with their foot in the air and felt angry with myself that I wasn’t as calm as they were and then I couldn’t stop my mind from racing. ‘Fuck this’ I thought and left.

I tried having a massage but it was yoga music again pumping out of a little cd player in the corner of the room, and a woman who I didn’t know softly put her hands on me and I just freaked out. ‘Get off me! … Uh, sorry, it’s just um not for me’ I apologised getting dressed, wanting to rip my skin off. I left there feeling even more frustrated than I did when I went in.

I went home and put the kettle on. When I was younger my mum always used to make me a cup of tea to calm me down. ‘Camomile tea will probably sort me out’ I thought. The label hanging off the teabag said ‘Appreciate yourself and honour your soul.’ I stared at it. What the fuck does that shit even mean? Honour my soul? I just want to have a cup of tea and calm down. I felt like everything that was supposed to make me calm was annoying and frustrating to me.

I decided to ditch the tea and go for a beer. I went out to meet my friends in Bergen. There was a night happening at Østre called Ploink and we went down there because it looked pretty good. I was still mad at the tea bag thing and the yoga thing but being around my pals was calming me down a little bit, I just hoped I could get through the night without another anxiety attack. 

I went into Østre, and got on the dancefloor. The DJ’s were set up in the middle and everyone was dancing around them having a blast. Being in a club that plays techno is not like being in any other sort of club, no one is there to judge what you are wearing or who you are with, everyone is just dancing and happy, and they don’t care what they look like or what anyone thinks about them, they just want to be immersed in the beat. I took off my jacket and let myself go. Techno is music to dance to. I let my body move in whatever way the music told it to, my feet in a constant rhythm and pattern. I became unaware of anyone else in the room and just focused on the beat. Something was happening to me, I started to feel in control, I started to feel calm. The music was taking me on a journey and I was just dancing all my anxiety away. Is this what meditation is? Am I honoring my soul now? I felt amazing.

I began to realise that techno was so much more than just dance music and started to get into it even more. I went to Berghain in Berlin and had the best night of my life. I felt transformed and completely refreshed after a night of dancing to techno. I felt better than I had done in years.
It made me wonder what it was that was so calming? I think it's mostly because techno music
has another perspective on time and chronology. Instead of the usual verse / chorus / verse / chorus / bridge chronological order of things, there is something endless going on. The beat goes on and on. Four to the floor, without end. The fact that any one particular track ends at one point and begins at another, it doesn't matter; the music is endless.

I had always longed for something that would be powerful enough to switch off the thoughts that plague my mind. Listening to music was always one of my coping mechanisms, but it had to be the right kind of beat. Now, I’m no neuroscientist or psychologist so I’m not going to sit here and explain to you exactly what happens in the brain when we listen to music but we have all felt the power of a good beat, the release of tension in the groove, the anticipation of the next strong beat and the excitement in the pulse of track. When I’m dancing to techno, I feel it, I’m free.

This story was originally written for Bergen Techno Zine.

Nice to meet you

Hello and welcome to my blog and very first blog post! My name is Sally Renshaw and I am a young(ish) British woman who lives in Oslo, Norway, with my boyfriend and three cats. I've had a funny old life, and when I started to open up about it recently, the people around me started telling me about their lives too. I realised how important it was to talk about our personal experiences, reaching out for help when times are hard, and sharing wisdom on how you can go from coping to thriving. I used to be scared of being honest and vulnerable but I'm not anymore. That's the main reason I started this blog, and also because it's kind of fun to have a place for all your stuff. 

As well as mental health, I might talk about cool stuff too: music, books, movies, food, basically all that classic blogger stuff. It will mostly be about mental health though. Here is a little overview of some of the topics I plan to explore, if it sounds like stuff you are interested in, pop your email address into the subscribe form and you will get my updates sent to your inbox once a week in a lovely email.

My creative work

My background and education is in fine art. I started my career working as an illustrator but now I work as an app designer. In the last few years I have worked on many exciting projects for both big corporations and small independent businesses. My fave projects has been designing my own app, Vegan Norway, and the work I have been doing for the past year at RiksTV, designing their tvOS app. Though that's my bread and butter these days, I still try to get away from apps sometimes, and get back to my roots in fine art and illustration. I love to talk about designing for a good user experience and the creative process behind my design work.

Sometimes life is hard

I have had a colourful life filled with ups and downs. I have managed to get through a bunch of scary and difficult situations, which unfortunately affected me deeply in complicated ways. I struggled with my mental health alone for many years because I was ashamed of myself. I'm not ashamed anymore, and I hope that by talking about my own experience I can help others who have also been through similar things.

Self care

Many people think that self care means treating yourself to indulgent things when you are having a bad day. Whilst that sounds nice (and really tempting) if you are treating yourself all the time to keep rubbish feelings at bay, your self care sounds like more of coping strategy than truly caring for your needs. The key to creating good self care habits is in understanding what your needs actually are. I used to have a lot of bad coping strategies, but now I prioritise self care above everything else in my life.

Helping Others

The better I care of myself, the better I can take care of everyone else! I'm really inspired by individuals and organisations which are making the world a better and fairer place and I want to talk about and get involved with their projects!

Don't miss a post

All those topics sound super interesting to you? Good! To make sure that you don't miss out on my ramblings make sure you subscribe via email, and I'll send you very occasional emails when I've got a juicy new post. Other than that you can follow me on instagram and twitter.

Thanks for reading my blog!